


This is Your Beating Heart

by hrtbnr



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Gen, Season/Series 13, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 14:43:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5008675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hrtbnr/pseuds/hrtbnr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There’s another life somewhere, in the vastness of existence, where everything is just the same except. "  Epsilon contemplates what it means to be alive, and it makes his decision that much easier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is Your Beating Heart

 

There’s another life somewhere, in the vastness of existence, where everything is just the same _except._

At night, whenever they could spare an hour or two, while Carolina slept, he’d have nothing to do but think.One look at the stars and he’d know exactly which one was shining never-ending on Blood Gulch, and relive memories that felt warm and welcoming even though he’d never truly been there. All Epsilon had in those hours was time, could stretch it out for as long as he needed or wanted, listening to Carolina breathe and remembering exactly how it felt when your lungs expanded and contracted. 

Even though he’d never had them.Never really _breathed_ the way Carolina would, never experienced for himself the way you can feel the crisp of autumn as soon as it arrives or the sweet blossoming of spring.All he had was second-hand memories of summer winds, the taste of ice-cream sundaes with extra chocolate syrup, the feeling of someone you loved’s hand in yours, the roughness of each knuckle and the soft valley between them.Those things belonged to The Director, and Epsilon tried not to remember them, most days, even though memory was everything he was made from.He’d never been good at forgetting.Not really. 

But he could _let it go_.The same way he’d done before.Those nights though, when the skies were clear and he could see every star, felt the infinity of life inside him as though he had a beating heart to hold it, he couldn’t.  

Delta wouldn’t say a word but Epsilon had never needed him to.They were separate, but together, and he could hear the words like a low-hum in the silence. Logically, they were nothing but copies.Copies of The Director; splintered pieces of Alpha, the protected and tortured remains of what had been done to him.  

But Epsilon couldn’t help but think, well, weren’t all kids just copies of their parents?Little bundles of mixed genes that meant nothing, counted for nothing but a base.But with every sound and sight, each new word and step, every experience, they became something more.Something different.Something better. It’s what he’d told The Director, and he’d meant it.He was _more_. 

They all were alive; they were living.Broken, sure, but most people were broken.If anything that only made them more human. And what was a soul, anyway, if not just the self-awareness of your own existence.A collection of emotions and thoughts that influenced the way you behaved and the sort of _person_ you’d be.If it was a spark, a burning fire in the center of your thinking, then they all had that.Fear and joy and rage and creativity and even _love,_ although he’d be hard-pressed to admit it.  

Epsilon was sure he had a soul, even if it was one he’d forged himself. He could feel it.There was something inside of them all that would live on, apart from The Director, something that didn’t belong to him anymore.  

There’s a moment cut out of eternity for Epsilon to run the calculations and see that they all come up short.They won’t be fast enough.He can’t run the suit the way he is now.And underneath all the planning, he can feel how afraid Tucker is.He can feel them all, standing behind him, ready to fight, maybe even to die, and the decision is made in a fraction of time so small it’s immeasurable.It’s the first time he calls himself Church in his own mind - he’s _Church,_ and he doesn’t hate these fucking idiots at all.  

Delta says when he’s gone there will be nothing at all. Just as it was before. And maybe, if that’s true for them, that will be okay.Living had given him something worth dying for, people worth the sacrifice.It hurts, it hurts like a fucking bitch, but maybe that’s fine.   

But he can also feel the phantom of Theta’s hand against his chest followed by the input of a comforting embrace, and a whisper that it would be okay, too, if he just believed.If he could just _trust_.And in the end, of all things, it’s a leap of _faith_ that defines him. 

Nothing is more human than that. 

 

* * *

 

There’s another life somewhere, in the vastness of existence, where everything is just the same except he gets to fucking _live_.Can taste sugar on the tip of his tongue and feel autumn in the air.Church is sure he’ll get there, someday.


End file.
